I'm angry because I felt so alone during law school, and it all turned out to be for nothing since we had to quit. I'm angry for the many times during those 3 years I curled up into a ball in my closet sobbing over how hard it was and how I wished Alan was home to help me more. I'm angry for so many husbandless nights, weekends, and holidays feeling exhausted and bitter. Why didn't I admit during the first semester that it was too hard and we weren't handling it? And why didn't the Lord steer us away from going to law school in the first place? He knew the foreclosure on our home would eventually disqualify us for student loans and we'd have to quit. Why didn't He protect me from all the pain during those three years and the debt that will plague us for 25 years if He knew going to law school would end up being for nothing anyway? I was already struggling as a mom on Prozac for depression and anxiety. So why would He allow my situation to worsen? Why? It feels like such a waste.
I know everyone says these things are for our learning and growth and I should count my blessings, but I'm angry, so I don't want to accept that right now. But I'm getting counseling, thank heavens. This is just too big for me to handle on my own. Plus I was watching Sesame Street with Brooke this morning and I realized I am Oscar the Grouch. And I don't want to be.
Last week I remembered this song by Cherie Call, and it gives me some comfort. Maybe it will help you with something, too. I have come to realize I need to learn to TRUST the Lord more. A life long quest no doubt.
CLICK HERE to listen to part of the song. Below are the Lyrics:
"No" by (Cherie Call)
A little boy at the end of a day knelt by his bed to say a prayer
And Father up in Heaven heard the prayer he prayed
And listened to each word with greatest care
The boy said,
"Please bless that tomorrow I won't have to take a bath,
And bless that they will cancel school for snow."
And God had the power to protect him and never let him grow
But He said, "No."
A young man was holding tightly to the hand of a girl who had to say
goodbye
And as she walked away he had to whisper a prayer
As he fought every tear that filled his eyes
He whispered,
"Please can you make her turn around and change her mind?
It's the deepest hurt that I have ever known."
And God had the power to protect him and never let him grow
But He said, "No."
And there are yeses that our father can hardly wait to give
And they are packed in every crevice of the lives we live
Sometimes God will pour down miracles and amazing twists of fate
And other times He chooses just to whisper, "Wait."
How many times have I prayed for blue skies
So no one has to cancel the game
And I feel so abandoned when the sky gets dark
Never knowing all the ones who prayed for rain
And usually the story's even trickier than this
With solutions that only God could know
But if you ask Him if He's ever overlooked you
Or ceased to love you so
He'll say, "No."
3 comments:
I'm so sorry Cristi. I have no idea how you feel. You guys have really been through some deep fire.
I hope you get the help you need to make peace with the trials you've been through.
There are some things in my life that infuriate me when I think about them. They were choices people made around me that I had no control over. But I try to remember I have to the choice if I'm going to be better or bitter.
LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU.
Oh Cristi, I am truly Sorry for the things you and Alan have had to face. Having debt is hard. We have some of our own but I know it doesn't compared to what you guys have had to go through with losing your home and all the law school loans. This makes me think of the picture and the quote with Jesus Christ holding out his arms saying, "I never said it would be easy I only said it would be worth it." I know that that is true. Everyone goes through their own "refiner's fire", I know when we lost our son, there were times when I did want to say, "Why? Why me?" I was sad when I would see other people with boy and girl twins. I have a cousin who had twins, boy and a girl six months after we had ours and both of their kids lived. It's hard. I think about Ethan everyday. I don't know what you are going through exactly but I feel for you. I wish we could get together with you guys and talk till 3 in the morning like old times, and talk about all this, as it always helps both of us. You guys are amazing and our so faithful. That is one of the things I admire about you and Alan. The faith and determination you have to make your life better. Things will get better I know they will. I love you so much! (( ))-hugs!
Cristi-
I have had similar emotions lately but under completely different circumstances. I was reminded of the story in the Book of Mormon when Lehi is prompted to take his family and flee from their comfortable life in Jerusalem. He follows the promptings and his family immediately flees. After a difficult journey for quite some time, the Lord tells them that they need to go all the way back and start over because they need to get the brass plates. Aaaahh what??? So they go all the way back and get the plates (which wasn't easy as they lost all their possesions and were almost murdered!) and then they started their journey over. After journeying for awhile under still difficult circumstances, the Lord tells them AGAIN to go all the way back and start over because they need to get Ishmael and his family. Aaahhh what?? So they go all the way back and start the journey again. All those previously difficult days of traveling in the wilderness and they were right back where they started! So were their first two journey's all for nothing?? Why didn't God just have them get the plates and Ishmael's family in the first place? I don't know the answers, but I do know that Lehi and his family EVENTUALLY do make it to the promised land even after a few "false starts." And that is all that matters. :) Hope this story made sense. For some reason it brought comfort to me. Hang in there, and please know that you are not alone!
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