Travis is an OFFICIAL LINEMAN/JOURNEYMAN!

 Carli planned a surprise party for him at my parent's house. 

 "got power? thank my son in law"

 SURPRISE!!!

 Carli teared up giving a speech about how proud she is of him. 

 Tyler was baptized on January1st!

 Parts of mom's lesson on repentance and how we are washed clean.

 Mom gave a great talk on Baptism and she brought the dress that my cousin Sheri, my sisters, and I were all baptized in when we were 8.

 Birthday Celebration afterward!

 New Scriptures!!!

I'm Angry

I'm angry because I felt so alone during law school, and it all turned out to be for nothing since we had to quit. I'm angry for the many times during those 3 years I curled up into a ball in my closet sobbing over how hard it was and how I wished Alan was home to help me more. I'm angry for so many husbandless nights, weekends, and holidays feeling exhausted and bitter. Why didn't I admit during the first semester that it was too hard and we weren't handling it? And why didn't the Lord steer us away from going to law school in the first place? He knew the foreclosure on our home would eventually disqualify us for student loans and we'd have to quit. Why didn't He protect me from all the pain during those three years and the debt that will plague us for 25 years if He knew going to law school would end up being for nothing anyway? I was already struggling as a mom on Prozac for depression and anxiety. So why would He allow my situation to worsen? Why? It feels like such a waste.

I know everyone says these things are for our learning and growth and I should count my blessings, but I'm angry, so I don't want to accept that right now. But I'm getting counseling, thank heavens. This is just too big for me to handle on my own. Plus I was watching Sesame Street with Brooke this morning and I realized I am Oscar the Grouch. And I don't want to be.

Last week I remembered this song by Cherie Call, and it gives me some comfort. Maybe it will help you with something, too. I have come to realize I need to learn to TRUST the Lord more. A life long quest no doubt.

CLICK HERE to listen to part of the song. Below are the Lyrics:

"No" by (Cherie Call)

A little boy at the end of a day knelt by his bed to say a prayer
And Father up in Heaven heard the prayer he prayed
And listened to each word with greatest care
The boy said,
"Please bless that tomorrow I won't have to take a bath,
And bless that they will cancel school for snow."
And God had the power to protect him and never let him grow
But He said, "No."

A young man was holding tightly to the hand of a girl who had to say
goodbye
And as she walked away he had to whisper a prayer
As he fought every tear that filled his eyes
He whispered,
"Please can you make her turn around and change her mind?
It's the deepest hurt that I have ever known."
And God had the power to protect him and never let him grow
But He said, "No."

And there are yeses that our father can hardly wait to give
And they are packed in every crevice of the lives we live
Sometimes God will pour down miracles and amazing twists of fate
And other times He chooses just to whisper, "Wait."

How many times have I prayed for blue skies
So no one has to cancel the game
And I feel so abandoned when the sky gets dark
Never knowing all the ones who prayed for rain
And usually the story's even trickier than this
With solutions that only God could know
But if you ask Him if He's ever overlooked you
Or ceased to love you so
He'll say, "No."

for fun

Use the Force, Obi Em Kenobi and Brooke Skywalker

A Good Reminder

I sure have a tough time with this, when things don't fit neatly into the little compartments in my mind. I  always pictured most things in life would go according to my schedule and checklist and I would gratifyingly mark them off as I went along my way. It's not that I thought I'd have a fairy tale life. I knew things would be challenging at times, but life can be really, really messy. And I like clean and organized. There are bumps in the road-- sometimes lots of them. And I've always fought each bump with gritted teeth.

When I graduated from college seven years ago, I started to look around and suddenly I saw that not everything fits neatly into my compartments. Still I pressed on, thinking it was just a phase. But now the frightening reality that it's not a phase is finally hitting me. That life is actually filled to the brim with messes and challenges non-box shaped, and it's scary. For example, we've moved 9 times in 9 years. I never imagined it would take that long to settle down. And law school didn't work out. It's going to be a while before I heal from that one. So much MONEY and TIME and energy and MONEY (did I mention money?) feels wasted. And I was always sure I'd have four kids, all two years apart. Turns out I can barely handle two.

I guess my challenge is to be accepting of the messes. And to trust that the Lord has a different compartment in mind and a different plan altogether. This is going to be a tough one for me to come to grips with, friends. I guess there's no time like the New Year to change. It will be a slow change, and a process no doubt. But hey, the fact that I recognize that to begin with is an improvement for me, so maybe it won't be so bad. . . Thanks for listening. :)